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It had been quite some time since my last visit to the ‘Gong so Ez Power (who had never been there) and I jumped in Sir Lancer-lot and headed there for the Australia Day long weekend.

We arrived on the Saturday afternoon. Before going to bed that night I witnessed numerous appalling scenes - a drunk woman dropping her pants and squatting for a piss behind a parked car while her equally drunk boyfriend/husband/random threw a crushed can of VB across the street and yelled “I’m an alcoholic!”, at least 3 separate groups of obviously under age kids wandering the streets drinking and swearing and wearing next to no clothes, a group of kids throwing beers bottles in the mall and smashing anything in site that they could, and at least 20 examples of really bad driving.

On Sunday morning I went for a walk along the beach from South Wollongong beach to North Wollongong beach. The place was trashed. Rubbish, beer bottles (smashed and whole) and alcoholic lolly water bottles were strewn everywhere. Quite a few drunks were still hanging around the harbour swearing and cursing and carrying on like turkeys. It was appalling.

Had I always been blind to this whilst I lived there? Or had I just been a part of it all and not really noticed? All of these events were enough to turn me off the place. I had missed the area, especially the beaches, but now… I’ll never move back there.

To be fair, we did have some good experiences. We had a few excellent meals, including the seafood platter to end all seafood platters at the Harbour Front Restaurant. We found some cool shops around the place and I highly approve of the cinemas in Shellharbour. The new highway down to Kiama is excellent.

But overall, this weekend’s experiences were enough to make me realise that Wollongong is not the town for me any more. I miss the good times that I had while I lived there, but I do not miss the city itself, not one bit.

I had spotted some storms over the Main Range and the radar was showing a fair bit of lightning activity, so I headed up hoping to catch some lightning photos. Unfortunately I turned up a bit too late.

The Wang’s Point Of View

Picture this. It’s about 7am, Monday morning. I’m out on my morning walk, powering along the walking track next to Lake Jindabyne. Up ahead I see a raft of ducks hanging out on the grass just to the left of the path (important duck fact: the term ‘a flock of ducks’ is reserved for ducks in flight. There are various terms for a group of ducks on the ground, including, but not limited to, a raft, a team and a paddling. I went with raft). As I get closer I can sense the ducks starting to panic.

They decide to make a run for it. About a dozen little ducks start waddling, all heading in the same direction as me. Obviously the little duck legs are no match for my long human legs, so I’m still catching up quite quickly.

Five of them decide enough is enough and completely bail, leaving the others by making a quick left turn and heading off onto the grass. The escapees slow to a stop as I walk past, obviously feeling safe at my passing. The rest of the raft continue waddling along, occasionally looking back to see if I am still there. When they notice that I’m still trailing them, they kick it up a gear and start waddling even faster, but I am still catching up quickly.

Suddenly every duck but one veers off to the right and waddle off onto the grass. One poor little duck is left waddling his little heart out in front of me. He doesn’t know what to do. he waddles this way and that along the path in front of me. By this time I’m almost on top of him. He’s freaking out. Finally, as I’m almost about to pass him, he decides to fly away.

Why that last duck, and the rest of them for that matter, didn’t just get up and fly out of my way in the first place is a little strange to me. Perhaps if we re-visit the event from the duck’s point of view, we might get an insight into why the ducks behaved like they did….

The Duck’s Point Of View

Hey man, this path is pretty rad. It’s awesome just hanging out on it with my bros, enjoying the morning sun, reaching down to scoop up a bit of food every now and then. Hey Barry! Wassup man?

Wait a minute…. What’s that noise? I better turn my body so that I can look behind me. HOLY SHIT! A GIANT! What do we do??!!

What’s that Barry? Run? Why don’t we fly? We do enough of that each autumn and spring? Yeah, true that. OK! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Whoa. This running bit is hard work. You sure about this Barry? Hey! Where are you guys going? Come back! We’ve gotta stick together on this one! I can’t see you anymore, my head doesn’t turn that far! Oh well, they’re gone from my life. Crap, the giant is getting closer. We’d better run faster!

What? Now you guys are leaving me? What the fuck? AAAARRRGGGHHHH! I’m all alone against the giant. The giant will eat me! I’m doomed to be Peking-ed! For the love of GOD save me! Oh the humanity! NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!

Wait. I can fly. Giants can’t fly. I’m SAVED! Woo! Oh yeah, flying rocks! Fuck you barry, you don’t know shit!

In conclusion…

I think the key sentence in the duck’s retelling of the story is “We do enough of that each autumn and spring”. The ducks didn’t fly away straight away because their little wings are so tired from flying north south, north south every bloody year.

But this kind of behaviour in the world of birds is not limited to ducks. Why is it that crows run off the road when a car approaches, rather than flying? Or why do magpies run out of your way as you walk along, rather than flying? It’s as if birds really don’t like flying, and all they want to do is run. It’s not out of the question.

As a species that can not fly, humans have been obsessed with it for a long time. Man has tried to fly for hundreds of year. When the Wright Brothers made and flew the world’s first working aircraft, they were lauded as heroes. When people feel a need to escape, they dream of flying.

What’s to say that birds don’t feel the same way about ground transportation? They might just want to get around by the power of their two feet. Perhaps they get air sick? If they had the intelligence, I would imagine they’d build little birdy cars to drive around in. Every autumn they’d take on the big road trip. The lucky duck that owns the car would call out “C’mon guys. Everybody in! We’re off to the Gold Coast!” Then the one little bird that missed out on a seat would be jumping from foot to foot “Oo oo oo! I’m going to miss out!” Little birdy hitch hikers would be everywhere, holding their little birdy thumbs out, desperate for a lift before they freeze to death in the winter.

Do birds in cages dream of packing their bags and walking out the front door and down the road?

This has gone on too long.

THE END